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If you watch COPS backwards it`s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
I hate to sound racist, but.. all of your baby ultrasounds look the same.
"Thanks for coming" - sperm bank receptionist.
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man`s ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Me: Where can I find the milk? Her: Sir, this is a library. Me: *whispers* Sorry, where can I find the milk?
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
The downside of dating intelligent women is having to Google what they call you when it ends badly
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."