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My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
I was struggling,trying to figure out how lightning works .....then it struck me!
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
Unless your "Awesome Sauce" is an actual sauce and it involves putting it on a steak then I don`t want to hear about it.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
The key to my heart is shaped like a bottle opener.
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
Don`t have sex man, it leads to kissing and pretty soon you will have to start talking to her..
That moment when you have so many things to do...So you decide to take a nap instead!
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
I`ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I`ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can`t reach the remote.
The best time to re-examine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.