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Make somebody happy today... mind your own business!!!
Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I`m describing him.
There aren’t enough days in the weekend.
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
I scream, You scream, We all scream, Because grandpa forgot his hearing aids again.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
If "The Breakfast Club" were made today, it would be a silent film about 5 kids staring at their phones.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
Wondering if my heart is healthy enough for sex ... volunteers needed.
My sex life is just like my typing skills. One handed.