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I`ve been married to my wife 10 years today. Having sex with just one person in 10 years is pure dedication. I don`t know how she does it.
Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being too lazy that I don`t even do anything about it.
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
I`m sorry if I come across as crude, outspoken, and opinionated. That`s only because I am crude, outspoken, and opinionated.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards