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An awkward morning beats a boring night.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
You can`t always control who walks in to your life but you can control which window to throw them out.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
I`m just going to start wearing a shirt to work that says "I`m good, thanks for asking."
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
Sometimes I think hip hop music gets a bad rap.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?