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I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer.
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
Do you guys ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone has a voodoo doll of you & they`re stabbing it? No? How about now?
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it?
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?