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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
You know nothing about a woman, until she is drunk and mad at you.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
Dear Ninja Turtles, Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one`s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.