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Financial status: I hope United Airlines drags me off my flight
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Oh, I thought you were talking about napping. In that case no, I`m not good in bed.
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Texts from mom: Thanks to the supreme court, now it`s not just women who won`t marry you.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
have you ever noticed `lol` looks like a drowning person?
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
Not all men cheat. Some of you women just assume you’re in a relationship with the guy.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
Nobody looks back at their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I want to take this moment to thank the depends adult diaper company for allowing me to play my video game for a strait 8 hours uninterupted...