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According to a recent study 52% of women have used vibrators....I`m guessing the other 48% have new ones?
"I`m on my way." -People who haven`t even left the house yet.
You know you`re up really late at night when you turn on ESPN and 2 white guys are boxing!
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Today I met one of those people on the bus that gets all pissed off when you put your finger in their mouth when they yawn.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
If you get angry, just take deep breaths and count to ten. Unless you`re angry about oxygen and numbers.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
The Bible is Christianity’s Terms of Service. Nobody actually reads it, but as long as u agree to everything in it, u can use the Heaven app
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...