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If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Lazy is a very strong word, I like to call it “selective participation.”
I just awesomed all over the place.
No YouP*rn… I do not want to play poker, I’m at work for crying out loud.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
If she is still able to walk to the kitchen after s@x , you don`t deserve a sandwich.
Apparently, my wife has friend zoned me...
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!