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The meek shall inherit the earth. Probably because they`re the only ones who won`t complain about what we`ve done to it.
My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
The only thing I understand about Algebra: I look at my X and I wonder Y
Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It`s the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
I put my head between my legs and lean forward.....thats how I roll
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.