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Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
I don`t like selfish people. I saw this guy pushing like 50 carts at Wal-mart last night. Really? You think someone else might want one?
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
God gives us only what we can handle... Apparently God thinks I am a bad-ass.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
You never know how dirty a song’s lyrics are…until you hear a child sing them.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!
This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.