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You seem to love cocktails... or part of it.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
The only charities I`ve donated money too recently are covered in glitter and dance to bad music.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
You know it`s time to delete Facebook when your mom, dad, uncles, aunties, grandparents etc... is on it.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.