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I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
Sorry to all my friends and family members who didn`t know I was a freak until they saw my likes and shares on Facebook.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
I was at a nice restaurant tonight and accidentally left out a loud fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
The only benefit of getting new clothes for Christmas is that I don`t have to do laundry for another week or two.
Just backed into a Jaguar but I left him a note on my bank statement so he knows not to bother calling