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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Change is hard. Seriously, have you ever bit a nickel?
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
My wife says I`m a clueless idiot ... I didn`t even know I had a wife.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time
The Drug Store cashier asked me how im doing as I put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "Not great man, I`ve got diarrhea" I told him.