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I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
I`m having fruit salad for dinner, well, it`s mostly grapes...crushed grapes ...ok, it`s wine, I`m having wine!
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn`t leave much room. It`s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
I wish real life had as many ejection seats as cartoons.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.