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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I`ve learned that I don`t need to use so many paper towels, and they`re expensive.
Whoever lost a bundle of $20 bills tied up in a rubber band..I found the rubber band..
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
When a girl says she wants you to splurge on her, calm down, it`s not what you think...
Not to brag, but Netflix recommends certain movies just for me.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back... Without the receipt, apparently.
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.