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thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
The only problem with using the treadmill is that you can`t run from your own farts.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...
Ya know those scenes where the guy shoves everything off the table and throws a woman on it yeah I`ve only done that with pizza
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
That "No alcohol beyond this point." sign might as well say "I bet you can´t chug that whole beer!"
Apparently, I`m the only one that wants to drink beer at this intervention.
OMG, you`re huge! There`s no way you`ll fit inside me.- My clothes probably.
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is