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Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. You choose your own adventure.
New camo condoms! She`ll never see you coming again.
Amazon’s recommendations are like that friend who heard you say “ninja” once and then got you ninja stuff for your birthday every year for twenty years
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
I love how in movies when someone types a really embarrassing secret they always accidentally send it to the whole school, and they also coincidentally have the phone number of everyone.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Walmart
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
I`m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.