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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
People assume I’m smart when they see my glasses case. Then they see that I use it to store a Snickers bar and they recognize my true genius.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
It takes patience to listen, it takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t.
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were texting all night with a calculator.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
A word to the wise ain`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
It`s 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?