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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on the internet right now.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me Limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking?
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.