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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
The next time the creepy guy at the bar asks you "Why aren`t you smiling?" simply reply, "I don`t smile while I fart."
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
Saw these three things on a corner, in this order: Liquor store, gun store, bank. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Elevators are so stupid. They have a button for the floor I`m already on.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.
is ready to have one too many!