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Multi-tasking: the art of screwing up everything all at once.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive ..."Hi"
Unlike milk, it is acceptable to cry over spilled beer.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
Takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do ...
I love myself everyday. Sometimes, twice a day.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.