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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
My neighbors look at me in a very weird way.. it’s like they never saw a guy with binoculars before.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
I like going into McDonald`s and ordering an Egg McMuffin and a McChicken, just to see which one comes first.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.