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Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
I’m an only child, and I’m still not the favorite.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
If a man says you’re ugly he’s being mean. If a woman says you’re ugly she’s envious. If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.
I always get this dream where I`m driving in reverse ...Then I wake up and see that I`m driving normally.
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.