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If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Sticks and stones, break my bones, but hollow points expand on impact!
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
I know I`m an adult now, but I still hold out hope that money will fall out of every card I get.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
You don`t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I consider each one of my friends a gift. Now if only I could remember where I put some of those receipts.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
Can I apologize in advance for basically everything I will ever do???
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.