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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
My brain is about as well organized as the Walmart $5 dvd bin.
I went to my local shop for a paper the other day. A guy out of no where started to throw eggs, cream and milk at me. I thought to myself how dairy?
My neighbor was singing in the shower again this morning. I didn’t mind though as I can`t hear anything through the telescope.
These animal crackers are crap, this elephant tastes exactly like that giraffe did.
My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
There`s a thin line between "I should write a status about that" and "I should talk to my therapist about that"....
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.