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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
People say love is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
At least thirty percent of my workout is spent picking a different song.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
Back in the day, Mom gave us two dinner choices. What she cooked or jack sh!t....