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Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
I love facebook... It`s the only place where I can talk to a wall and not look like an idiot...
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.