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If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Sorry I wasn’t ignoring you I was just watching 7 seasons and 54 episodes of this new show I found.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Today, my wife asked "would you still love me if I was ugly and fat." "Yes, honey I do." was not the right answer.
You know you`re desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of Google.
Language is cool because it`s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you`re on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up