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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
The toughest decision I will make today is bottle or draft.
There are many different ways one can save energy. I normally use the couch.
I was born to be happy… not normal.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!
The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.