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Which wine goes best with more wine?
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
The hardest part about being humble is not telling people how much better I am than they are.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
I’m just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Going to write hasbro a nasty letter!!! The monopoly get out of jail free card doesn`t work...since I`m texting you can you come bail me out?
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Coffee gives me the illusion I`m actually awake
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say "I think we lost them."
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off