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In post apocalyptic movies everyone wears leather ... but there are no cows.
Burger King is offering delivery service in some areas. I don’t trust it. Everyone knows it’s impossible to drive without eating the fries.
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I advise you...don`t mess with me, I know karate, kung fu,judo, tae kwon do, jujitsu, and 28 other dangerous words.
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
Just dropped off some film to be processed. More on this story as it develops.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.