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How old were you when you found out your parents were using Santa Claus as a behavior-modification tool?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
To show my support for Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I`ll be giving free breast exams all month. Hit me up if you`re interested.
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
its not the up`s and down`s that bring you down...its the jerks!!
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
All of those in favor of bitch slapping stupid people, say "I"
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.