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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Judge: I`ve decided to give your ex-wife $350/month for child support. Me: That`s very generous. I`ll try and kick in a little myself.
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
My wife has a thing for bringing injured animals home... I think she should just stop driving.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I scratch my a$$ way to much to chew my fingernails...
At the urinal, please keep your eyes forward and your conversations limited to weather, sports or beer.
Love is... saving money to buy her shoes!
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
"Sarcasm is a body`s natural defense against stupid."
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.