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School is like an erection. It`s long and hard unless you`re Asian.
To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
When I want your opinion, I’ll give it a funny voice.
No one is more confident than a drunk girl wearing a guy’s hat sideways.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
The Zoo is a safe place to fart.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me.
You know what`s beautiful? Read the first word again.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
I hate it when someone turns the light on while I`m sleeping and I`m like O_-
Rumors are like fires. No one admits to starting them and before you know it, they`re out of control.
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.