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If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Please God take me back to being 12 & let me start again & mess up my life in an entirely different way. I have fresh ideas.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
She was rare, like an onion ring in french fries
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
I`ll never fall in love untill and unless love falls on me!
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
I`m using voice-to-text to post this status. All I do is talk and it makes a text out of it. It`s really cool... Hey! What are you doing? That`s my phone! Give it back! Come back here, you son of a...