Daily Silly Status

Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain

I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."

2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.

I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001

Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.

So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."

Wearing my pajamas to Walmart. I don`t want to attract any attention.

For those of you who know nothing about pleasing a woman... the G spot is located at the end of the word "shopping".....js

Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.

You can always count on me to feel you up when you`re feeling down

i only drink on days that end with y

I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.

Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

If you want to bribe me food and beer works.

My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers