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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
apparently telling my girlfriend her acuracy is as high as a magic 8 ball wasn`t a good idea.
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
Sometimes I whisper, "I`m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world...
Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
"Please take a seat" was a bad introduction for a Kleptomaniacs` Anonymous meeting.
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch