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Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
When I get a prescription for drugs, I don`t ask, `Will it work? Are there any side effects?` No, it`s `Can I drink with these?`
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
There needs to be more “damn it I missed my exit” exits.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
You can always tell if a guy masturbates a lot by looking at his hands. If you look closely, you’ll see a wedding ring.