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Want the truth? Just ask a kid.
My phone just changed, `calendar` to `cake radar` and now I really wish I had that.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
As an adult, I’m not eating nearly as much ice cream as 10 year old me thought I would.
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
If you`re confident enough, every zoo is a petting zoo.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.
The exam hall is the only place on the earth where everyone is desperate for teamwork..