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Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
If my smartphone was so smart, then why it can`t do my math homework
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
I may have just inadvertently accomplished something
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.
I’ve been really depressed these past few days. Finally visited a therapist and got diagnosed. Turns out, I’m poor.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.