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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
Remember, laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have diarrea.
u smile i smile u laugh i laugh u cry i`ll go get a bat and say who`s gonna get it
What idiot named them nostrils instead of scent vents?
How to fall down stairs: Step 1 Step 6 Step 7,8,9,11
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
If there`s one thing I`ve learnt in life it`s to stay clothed during sensitive conversations.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.