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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
I wish someone would steal my identity, fix it and and give it back...
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth`s equator, most of them would drown.
I’m a pervert, but in a romantic way.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.