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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I can´t wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.
Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn`t mean I`m getting old, right? Means I`m turning into a werewolf! Right?
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
It is kinda at the point where everything in my life is a movie reference
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, cake... You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad."
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
Thought I was having deja-vu. But it turns out, I do the exact same things every day.
My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don`t try to run her life and I don`t try to run mine.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.