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Iām cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass.
They say money can`t buy you happiness, but I`ve got a receipt from the liquor store telling a whole different story.
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
A person who is bad at math should never take a calculated risk.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
You should see the sh!t I don`t post.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Global warming is now thought to be a leading cause of documentaries.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
Seeing how Iron Man and Batman are only really smart and super rich, Iām really disappointed with Bill Gates.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.