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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
I`m so great, I`m jealous of myself.
I haven`t talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn`t want to interrupt her.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Never marry a tennis player " love means nothing to them "
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!