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Married 24 years now. All I recall about my wedding day is something about death.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
When I procrastinate, current me really expects a lot out of future me.
I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.
Story of my life : 1. i wake up .... 2. i go to school.... 3. i see a girl .... 4. i run to her and kiss her.... Actually, the right order is 2,3,4,1 ..
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
Only you can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
I just googled Magnum condoms and I swear I could hear Siri laughing.
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole