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I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
Wish I turned into a wolf every month instead of getting my period
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Never hire a color blind Bomb Technician.
Do you think Santa regrets giving all those bad kids coal now that global warming is threatening his home?
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
If you feel bad because you didn’t do well on a final, just remember someone from your hometown is still trying to become a rapper.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Common sense has become so rare it should be classified as a superpower.