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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
I wish bedtime was all the time.
If guys had periods, they´d brag about the size of their tampons.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
I live in a small town where the population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregant a guy leaves town.
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.