Daily Silly Status

My internet was down for almost 4 mins, I’m ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!

I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.

Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth

I have done some truly amazing things to get the last bit of toothpaste out of the tube.

That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive

There’s so many people I’d love to get the silent treatment from

Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings

In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.

No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change

I can catch a speeding bullet- only once.

I don`t care about Disney lying about the Prince Charmings out there. I`m more annoyed that random woodland creatures won`t clean my house.

Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard

I think they put less beers in twelve packs these days.

Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.