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Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself: "I`m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute."
You just dont know how dumb you are until you get a little smarter
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than turning off the lights in a public bathroom while people are still inside
Woke up this morning with a HUGE smile on my face....damn kids and thier sharpies.
Have you guys seen the new documentary about white trash? I only saw the trailer.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “well that’s not going to happen.”
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
Whenever I hear someone say “STOP” my brain says “Hammer Time”