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Tomorrow is International "Cook a Steak and Then Throw It to a Seagull" Day. Get involved. Don`t question it.
A wise man, will often say nothing
If you blow out the kid`s Birthday candles at enough parties, people will just stop inviting you to them.
why are the foods you want eat late at night in loud crackling wrappers?
Often, when I am reading a good book I stop and thank my teacher. Well, I used to. Until she got that restraining order.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Leftover bacon? Lol that’s up there with unicorns, leprechauns, and soulmates.
Guy advice #221: Starting a load of laundry in the washing machine and then starting a load in the dryer counts as `2 loads` - just sayin`!
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Whoever named anteaters, solid effort right there.