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Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Saying the word "awkward" in an awkward situation only makes it more awkward. Especially if you sing it.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
Kid, I can take you out the same way I brought you into this world, by making it look like an accident.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
He who laughs last didn´t get it.
B!tch life isn`t a garden ... So stop being a hoe!
If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
Vodka can be mixed with anything, including more vodka.