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I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet ... I get hungry.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off.
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I`ll take a Dirty Hammock."
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
I`ve decided!! I’m giving up my New Years resolutions for Lent.
Whenever I hear "let me tell you the truth", I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say "brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want."
My last thought in life will probably be ” I wonder what happens if I touch this?”
"I understand your logic, but let`s try to look at this more emotionally." - women
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!