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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn`t photoshop be illegal for models?
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.