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Behind every crazy woman is a man that made her that way.
If I`ve learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven`t figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
If God is a woman then how do you explain: 1) Spiders 2) Shoes you can`t afford 3) Periods 4) Men
So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.
This is my first status of 2017. Yeah, I thought it would be better too.
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don’t even know it.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
My brain has too many tabs open.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
You are more likely to be bitten by a person who believes they are a shark than an actual shark.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards