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Screw it, I’m starting Friday now.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
If you are used to seeing a fat, naked guy walk around his house, then you are probably my neighbor.
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
that an iPhone 6+ in your pocket? Or are you just happy to see me?
I don`t understand when people say `age is just a number`... Age is clearly a word.
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
I love finding money in my clothes. It’s like a gift to me ... from me.
The longer I`m left unattended in the Drs office the more tongue depressors I can lick and put back in the jar..... Just sayin
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.