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Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
The responsibility of taking out the trash should be left to the person who runs out of ways to fit more trash in the bag.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, "Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!"
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
If you think someone is staring at you: 1. Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
You`re the one who wore a red and yellow scarf to class. So don`t look at me weird for shouting "10 points for gryffindor" when you answer questions cause I know you wanted this. -Bfanch
and alcohol are now friends.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
I had this awesome dream last night where Facebook went down and most of you went on a killing spree.
A guide to hating people. Step 1: get to know them.
Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!
1. Pour milk on floor. 2. Ask which kid did it. 3. Send them to their rooms when they don`t admit it. 4. Enjoy peaceful evening.