Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I`m not sure what my spirit animal is, but I`m sure it has Rabies.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
Man, those 2013 Mayan Calenders are REALLY hard to find...
I`d love to have a sex change. Preferably from `none` to `absolutely sh!tloads`.
I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now Iām legally required to pee sitting down.
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
When life gives you lemons... all you need is tequila (and salt).
I tell my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I remember the days when I could refer to my knees as right and left. Now I refer to them as the good and bad knee.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
I`m pretty sober, but I`m prettier drunk.