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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they`re looking for ideas.
You know that 200-foot high expansion bridge you drove over today? Just remember that it was built by the lowest bidder.
Do you think people in Mexico ever say, "Those jobs keep stealing all our Mexic?ns!"
You know your a$s is ugly when you`re the one always asked to take the photo.
Dear Toilet Paper Makers, We`ve all unexpectedly run out at some point. Please make the tube in the center softer. Thank you...
The liquor store clerk just wished me a merry Christmas as if she weren`t going to see me 7 more times before then.
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
I`m a nonviolent person until I see a spider. Then I turn into Al Capone and "I want him DEAD! I want his family DEAD! I want his house burned to the GROUND!
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
I secretly like days when none of my Facebook friends have birthdays.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.