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I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward the time just to see if in the end it`s all worth it.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Instead of a selfie, you should take a someone elsie.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I`m currently writing a book about my love of dogs and gardening. It`s called b*tches and hoes
The worst part of Aquaman`s day has to be, when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Everyone wants their kid to learn to walk until exactly 30 seconds after their kid learns to walk.