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As a community service, I send random inmates letters how my life is going to cheer them up.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I hate when homesless people shake their cup of coins at me. It`s like yeah I know you have more money than me, no need to rub it in.
If my house is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
If the shoe fits, shove it further up their a$$
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
It`s hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
Youth is wasted on the young.
The less you know, the more you think you do.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)