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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Great idea for an April Fools Prank ... Hide all of the desktop icons on someone`s computer and replace their wallpaper with a screenshot of their old desktop.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
Caterpillars have the ideal life. They eat a lot and then sleep for a while and wake up beautiful.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
Laughter is the best medicine (that my insurance is willing to cover)
I know you seen me continuously push the "close doors" button while you ran to the elevator. Now it`s just awkward
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Life would be so much more interesting if we all had cartoon bubbles over our heads.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"