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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
Hey, does anyone know which side you`re supposed to wear your fanny pack on? I want to really nail this job interview tomorrow.
I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn`t like it.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
I have no idea how I used to look for things in the dark before I had a cellphone.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
if your dirty, your dirty... you cant fix it