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I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax, We get it you`re unoriginal and watch SOA ... Hold on my daughter Grey`s Anatomy is crying.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
A man typed in search box on Google : “What do women want?”. Google Replied : “We are also searching…”
I found the "one" today! Surprisingly, It`s been on my keyboard all the time.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
If I`m guilty of anything it`s loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
I feel like grabbing some random kid and screaming "I`m YOU from the future!"
I`m "BE KIND & REWIND" years old.