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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
I`d say I`m not a morning person but I`m really not sure I`m an evening person either.
Probably the most exciting feature on the new Iphone is the way it upgrades simple phone theft into full on finger removal.
I`d hate to be a dragon .....I`d get so pissed tryin to blow out my birthday candles.
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body!
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Renewed my "Man Card" today, by going out in the cold, drizzly weather to cut firewood. In other news, police are investigating sightings of a chainsaw wielding maniac in the my area. I hope the catch that nut job!
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution Bitches Be Trippin
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with hope that it might magically solve her problems.