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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
Girls think that having their period is the most inconvenient thing they can experience. They`ve obviously never dated a girl who was on her period.
Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
I`ve got to remember to tie a string around my finger!
Relatives - Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too.
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of itself.
I do not argue, I explain why Iām right.
For the record, you`ll need a turntable needle.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Just another day of not being rich and famous.