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Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, "Please wear."
Dear food, Either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.
I wish more people were fluent in silence.
This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die." I´m pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn´t one of them.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Judging by all of the cologne and shower sets I got for Christmas either people know I like to smell good or I am failing at it.
The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever so I can rest medicine didn´t work. I´m going to try 1 bourbon, 1 scotch and 1 beer instead.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I`m returning these Gushers. They taste like sh!t. "Sir. Those are paintballs." Oh. I`m returning these paintballs. Someone ate a few.
At least I know it wasn`t just me that was wondering if the cashier was a man or a woman. I just wish that my 5 year old didn`t ask.
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?