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It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
How many V and M can see
NNNNNMNNNNNNNVVWWWWVWWWWW
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
Tried to donate blood today but they had too many questions about where I got it.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.