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When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Let`s go to my place and do the things I`ll tell everyone we did anyway.
I can`t wait to procrastinate.
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
If I hit snooze 3 times it should automatically send an email to my boss saying I`ll be out sick.
I fart because it`s the only gas I can afford.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Okay kids don`t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger`s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
People are like dogs: There`s always someone who loves you for you and there`s someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
I`m having an out of money experience.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.