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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
2 out of 3 isn`t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Sometimes when I`m bored, I pick out a girl from my list of FB friends that I`ve never actually met and then go back on her timeline and like every single post she made in like 2009......That should freak her out a bit...
I`m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I`m just a guy standing in front of a huge pile of laundry wondering how flammable it is.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
This century is already 15% over.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over