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I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.
Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove... ..."I`m a zebra."
Life is simple. Eat. Sleep. Update Facebook status.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Sometimes all you need is a hug or someone to tell you everything will be ok, or some rough sex or whatever...
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.