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If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
I’ve never been in love but I imagine it’s similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Basically the way it works is I tell myself I`m not going to eat too much and then I eat too much.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Why do bras and batteries come in the same sizes?
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
At a wedding reception I recently attended someone said, "All the married men please stand next to the person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.