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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Dont let facebook fool you we aint friends
I can`t decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
If the people in horror movies would just listen to me, they would still be alive!
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
I`m a fantastic secret-keeper because, deep down, I really don`t care enough to actually talk about it to anyone else.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon