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But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Keep talking; someday you’ll say something intelligent.
I don`t like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don`t need that kind of pressure.
To make a long story short quit right in the middle.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I like to refer to myself as a "Second-hand Vegetarian". Animals eat grass. I eat animals.
I noticed tonight that I was the hottest cashier at the self checkout line.
“I need to stop,” I whispered as I clicked next episode.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
My husband`s wife is freakin` awesome!
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.