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Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would`ve been if he`d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
This earthquake was the first time that I`ve ever said, "it was 4.7, but felt bigger."
Sometimes Late at night. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
In hell you`re always trying to spread butter that`s too cold.
So the state trooper said "I`ve been following you with my lights flashing for three miles. Why didn`t you pull over?" and I said "Well, a few years ago my wife ran away with a state trooper and I was worried that you were trying to return her."
Just a friendly reminder, there are a minimum of three spiders in your room at all times. Goodnight...
You find my yoga pants distracting ... would you like me to take them off?
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The human body is amazing... You breathe in oxygen and it converts it into sarcasm.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
"We have HBO" - apparently still a bragging point in the motel industry.