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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
Men like football because the priorities in football are also the biggest priorities in every man’s life…. Scoring and Ball Security.
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
Sometimes I wonder if the kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet.
Hope dogs are kissing us and not trying to see if we started tasting good yet.