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When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
If I ran the country, things would be a lot better ... Well, for me anyway.
Monday comes saturday ends and somewhere in between i realized i slept the weekend away....):
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."