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Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Apparently, I did not use enough a$$hole repellent today
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
The awkward moment when you look both ways down a one way street.
If the wicked witch of the west melts in water ... How did she bathe?
I`m emotionally constipated. I haven`t given a crap in days...
National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now