Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
he who laughs last thinks slow
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Some people are like Polaroids. You have to shake them violently before they make any sense.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally