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I do all of my ironing in the dryer.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she`s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
So after an hour of playing Paper, Rock, Scissors, we decided to call it a tie. Good game, mirror!
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
To save time, lets just assume I am never wrong ;)
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
Some moments you remember all your life. Reading this, unfortunately, is not one of those moments.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.