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I tend to avoid things that make me look fat. You know like scales, mirrors and photographs
Mondays should start at noon.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
This beer tastes like I’m going to text you later.
On a scale of one to crazy, how many cats do you have?
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
Living with a child is like using a blender with no lid...
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
If I keep hitting the treadmill like I do every night, in a few weeks maybe I`ll learn to turn on the light when I get up to pee in the dark
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats. It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.