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I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and the internet.
If a dentist makes money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothbrush that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
never judges a book by its cover. I use the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
Nothing embarrasses psychics more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
why would i ever pay to go to a nascar event when i could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free
I saw a book titled Learning To Read For Dummies. At first I thought that sounded insulting, but then I realized anybody who would be insulted by that title wouldn`t even know what it says.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?
Just scraped 3 inches of "Mostly Cloudy" off my car.