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When I say "I cleaned my room", I usually mean I made a path from my door to my bed.
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear….. I’m just fat.
I`m going to hell in every religion!
Crap, my Internet has been down for 4 days ...Probably because my neighbors moved 4 days ago.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter, like watching TV and having a beer.
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!
My new diet is not buying things at the store that make the cashier say wow someone`s having a party
Facebook is a lot like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every couple of minutes to see if there`s anything good, but nothing ever changes :b