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Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle ... * A Cramp Stamp
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
You can tell a lot about a womans mood by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she`s probably angry.
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone.. and if I do, I’ll tell them not to tell anyone.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
We`ve spent years planning and preparing for the zombie apocalypse all for nothing......clowns....its gonna be clowns that finish us off.
I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s