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Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
I wonder if the clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look! ...that one`s shaped like an idiot!"?
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.