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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
When I die and I`m standing at the gates, I hope they give me the carpenter`s cup challenge from Indiana Jones. I`m totally ready for that one.
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
Iām pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
is having some serious PMS: Parked Motorcycle Syndrome!
I`m not mental, other wise the rubber duckies would have told me by now...
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
I`m on a whiskey diet. So far I`ve lost 3 days.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!