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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
Men are like cheap dishes - easily broken & completely replaceable!
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
I`m starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
In case I drink too much and pass out for a while, Merry Christmas you guys.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
You haven`t truly tested your patience yet until you get stuck behind an undecided person at a Redbox kiosk.