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Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My favorite drink is the fullest one on the table.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
You know you`re fat when you run out of breath eating.
Juvenile humor My friend David lost his ID. We just call him Dav now. Here`s your sign..................
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
By the time I’ve said “Nice to meet you” I’ve already forgotten your name.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
I purposely cry while cutting carrots so onions don`t think they`re ugly or something.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches.
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
Is it just me, or would those movies had been far scarier if they were titled "Monday the 13th"