Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
I`m going to start tackling random guys in football jerseys saying "look how he`s dressed. He was asking for it!"
Don`t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your `team of writers`
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.
Dear whoever ate my fries while i was in the ball pit at McDonald`s... grow up!!