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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
I wish computer companies would design a keyboard with a removable crumb tray, kinda like my toaster.
lifes like a box of chocolates, never know whatcha gonna get (:
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.