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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
60% of women fake orgasm.. 100% of men don`t give a sh*t about it..
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I hate it when people hate me without even giving me a chance to give them a good reason to.
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
"it`s the thought that counts" doesn`t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Things that make you go Mmmmmmm - Duct Tape