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I`m a really nice guy before you get to know me.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
Life is like a box of chocolates. Get your own and stay the hell out of mine.
I’m drinking because you’re talking.
why waste your brain cells to think of a comment when you can just like someone else`s?
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
Life would be perfect if: Mondays were fun, junk food was healthy, drama didn’t exist, and goodbyes were only until tomorrow.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”
Common sense is like deodorant....The people who need it most never use it.