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Didn’t Selfie Sticks used to be called Friends?
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
Ways to get to my heart: 1) food ... that’s pretty much it
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant. Agree or nah??
Why do people have to get ready for bed? I`m always ready for bed.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Success is like being pregnant. Everybody congratulates you, But nobody knows how many times you were ****** before you got there.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.