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3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don`t like because can`t afford voodoo dolls.
The filling in this fortune cookies tastes like paper...
"Being naked isn`t fun" - said no one ever.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
Half of life is screwing up…the other half is dealing with it.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Internet went down so I had to spend time with my family. They seem like good people.
Before bed, my Dad would always say, "OK son, time to hit the sack." Not sure how me punching him in the balls helped him sleep, but hey, that’s my Dad for ya.
If a Jehovah`s Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he`s not home?
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.