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I laid awake all night again worrying about why I’m always so tired.
My relationship with whiskey has been on the rocks lately.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Some days, the best thing about my job is that the chair spins.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
2013 is the first year since 1987 to have 4 different numbers… carry on.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
When the coffee stops working it is probably the right time to start drinking.
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?