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Relax,,, We`re all crazy.. It`s not a competition.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Very productive day today, turd-wise
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
"Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my girlfriend to start a conversation.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.