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Sometimes I think if it weren`t for the gutter my mind would be homeless...
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Putting on deoderant and colonge because you haven`t showered in days, is as about as useful as shutting the lid on a toilet after its overflowing.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
"Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P