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This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
There is a fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
Why do they ask you "Please press 1 for English, then put you with someone who`s accent is so thick you can`t understand them?
I hate when people call me and ask "WHO IS THIS?"
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
I wonder when people without cars pick their noses…
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
Girls just wanna have funds.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
Facebook is the reason why my work is not done.
I must have drank more than I thought last weekend...there`s an entire hour that I don`t remember!