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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
I can`t even tell what this thing in my fridge use to be.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I don`t care if it`s a kidnapping/murder; if you tell me a monkey will be involved, I`m 97% more likely to participate.
I gave my dog a middle name today, so he knows when he`s really in trouble.
I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.
I tried being modest once, as expected I was amazing at it.
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
One of us spends too much time on Facebook.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Note to self: the wife does not want an `exercise pole`.