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Please ignore this post, I`m pretending to be adding a coworker`s phone number.
If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
North West? Im confused i thought Kim Kardashian gave birth to a child not a compass
Some people are just bad news!!! Those are my favorite!
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
I get as much action as a white crayon.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?