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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
There is no harm in imitating a porn movie. But stopping in between because you are imitating the buffering part (!), is unacceptable.
Are you thinking what I`m thinking? ... F**king pervert. I`m calling the cops.
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
This is a lousy dating site.
I`m that friend that you have to explain to people before you introduce me and apologize about afterwards.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Word for today: Dipshidiot
I never thought I`d be the kind of person who`d wake up early in the morning to exercise ... And I was right.
There`s nothing like the laughter of a baby....unless you`re home alone at 1 am...and you don`t have children...
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking