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Ever been completely out of toilet paper that you send your kid next door to get some? Me neither, I just like to embarrass my kid.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
You make me have filthy thoughts, and for that I thank you...
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
I get a little nervous eating cucumber in a single woman`s home.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Light travels faster than sound. That`s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
GIRLS: To make a guy panic, simply ask, " Notice anything different?`... works EVERY time
Anyone else think there should be a sarcasm font?
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
if truth is what u want...in return alcohol is all I want...
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”