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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
Nothing shall separate me from the love of beer...
You know you had a good night when you have to Google map yourself in the morning to find out where the hell you are.
My wife went home to visit her mother today. Or as I refer to it. Her “bitch refresher course”.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex. Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.