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People that walk behind cars get exhausted
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel... It was 3 weeks from tomorrow.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Gift cards are still the best way to say "I`m too lazy to think of a good gift and I think you`ll buy drugs if I give you cash."
"With a stroke of a pen your name can live on forever in a quote!... Unknown,
I would offer moral support ... But my morals are questionable.
Real friends show me their boobs
Sure thing.... follow me... I`ll show you the fastest way to get to nowhere.
Today has been cancelled, due to lack of interest.
Gently placing your finger on someone’s lips and saying, “Shh, not another word,” is super romantic but cops don’t seem to think so.
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
If your pet has its own FB page, it might be time for a reality check...
Having kids puts a new perspective on life.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.