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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
liked homework better when it was called coloring.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
Johnny : Pull my finger Tommy : No Johnny: "Come Bro Do IT!!" Tommy : fine ... Johnny : *SNEEZE IN THE FACE*
Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman