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"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call
My nephew asked me what marriage was like. So I gave him a candy bar and told him not to eat it.
Laxatives............for people who don`t give a crap.
Happy President`s day all. Heading out to buy a new mattress.
4 out of 5 dentists agree that 1 out of 5 dentists is just doing it for the attention.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
You ever think that maybe the reason geese are always honking is because they`re flying too close together?
When I bang my toe against something it`s like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.
I never drink unless I am alone or with somebody.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.